My many sins

First of, let me apologise, Toluwa I'm sorry but like most countries I detest the number 13!!!!

I am not perfect, I cheat, I lie, I break wind in public
I download illegally, forget to take out the trash and love quintein taratino movies
I leave the toilet seat up and deny it furiously and in some way I'm responsible for the pestilence in sudan
Everyday I cause global warming and start fights with disadvantaged people
I am envious and I do covert my neighbours wife
I have lied to a priest and stolen candy from stores
I have promised to call many a women and never did
I am the cause of pain for many and hurt for most
I encourage fashion trends when I know the average joe can't afford it
I am gluttonus in most ways and the only reason I haven't killed any one is that I'm too dumb to get away with it
I like asian movies because of the blood and fighting but lie furiously it's because of the intricate plots
I drink when I am angry and get angry when I drink
I start bar fights then run to call the cops
I am unpatriotic, I'd sell the world back to the british if they paid me enough
I don't take bribes because no one's offered me one
I don't take drugs because its an expensive habit and just too much work to keep up
I'm right beside you till the last drop of beer cheering on but out the door when the bill comes
And even though I've never met you, I'm sure when I do, I'll find some sick way to hurt you
I am responsible for trash talk and senseless rumours
And by God I have placed many a fireworks in many a ant hill
I am lazy, this is the most work I've done all day
I don't murder animals because they have long nails and I abhor scratching
I'll say anything to get a girl in bed and have her leave the next morning
And yet I'll miss her when she's gone and blame the world for her not loving me
I will desert you at your time of need and return when the times good
I run away from trouble and awkward situations, but I'm around for every toasting
I drop water bombs from high buildings and give children funny looks
I hate gays only because I might be one and my closet is getting full
I wear tight pants to show off my package which doesnt impress you
I argue senslessly and I can be real annoying
I am responsible for this write up
I am a man another sin unforgivable in itself
All this and many more I am guilty off
And you know this
And yet in some sick, demented, sweet, angelic way
You love me?

Reasons why I love my wife

She points out all my flaws, like I’m some modern day tragedy
Yet she loves me, at least that’s what she tells me
She sees me in a way no one else can
Full frontal, as I am, without the afterglow, just as a man
She says harsh words to bring me down a notch
I love her so much I turned to scotch
She’s always there to greet me with a hand on my face
She seems content by how I never let that go to waste
Some people say I love her too much
But where would I be without her touch
I’ve been adviced to cheat on her once in a while
But what would I do if I ever lost her smile?
I have sat down days just imagining
How I would be without her nagging
And I realize right there quite simply
I might not be able to live without her willingly
We’ve been together fifteen years, now that’s a long time
She’s made the bed and stood beside me all this while
She always there to point out my many wrongs
With such delight it’s like she breaks out in songs
It’s not that I love her too much; it’s just there would be no life without her
That much I have confirmed, oh yes sir
The truth be told, the reason I am still here?
My wife’s a pharmacology professor, who’s cooked my meals for fifteen years my dear…..

Could it be?

Could it be said that your heart was won by mere words?
That in the storm called life
They calmed the waters of your heart long enough
For you to see the feelings within me?
Could they honestly have conveyed
My hearts true intent?
That I may be one with you
So much so that I am mistaken for you.
Could it be that they have raised in you
A fire that burns the very sea?
If so be it, let them rain down on you more heavenly
In their sweet divinity
Till we are both blined
And only each other see

One liners....

Living is a luxury I could ill aford
But for the existence of you
I have no reason for breathing
Other than we share the same air
I have no reason for sight
Other than the idea that I might see you tonight
I have no reason for walking
Other than the feeling I might cross your path
I have no reason to be here
Other than I hope I might catch your stare
I come alive everytime I see you smile
Enough said, I reiterate
the only reason for me is you....

Oh No! Not Again....

I got the call around ten, from a dear friend
Saying if I left work right then, I would catch the cock and the hen
So quickly to the carry I hurried
The consequences I denied to quarry
I been the fool for way to long
Now was the time for my change of song
So madly I sped through corners and lights
Imaging smugly the awaited sight
One that had been described to me in loose detail
That I tried repeatedly to see but was always at fail
I had the divorce papers beside me
Finally I would be free
From the woman who had never loved me
Free to roam, chase and bed
And other woman that crossed my stead
No need for guns, knives or murder
Thoughts like that only lead one to slaughter
A life as sweet as yours hers and his
All because she shared a kiss
He could keep her for all I cared
I’d keep the houses and money and the kids we’d reared
Hers and mine, I could simply take
She would forfeit as she caused the break
Finally to the house I arrived
Packed the car in the neighbors drive
Saw his packed in mine
And was happy all was in line
I snug round to the back
Slowly opened the door to keep the noise level intact
Slowly up the stairs I crept
Quietly to where they both slept
To catch them the man who had my wife
Curled up daily so tight
Only to catch a sight that was nae not a delight
For there lay naked with the woman I wed
My mother in my marriage bed

Through Different Eyes

Women see things differently from men, they take from any conversation what they will. Here is an experience that happened to a friend, not so recently. I refuse to mention names, but I dare any woman to deny the possibility of this scene.

Here is a conversation that took place by letter, sent to a girlfriend and a dear friend. The words may vary but the essence remains, judge for yourself the heartily gains;

My dearest people,

I do apologize for not getting in touch for the last few months. Things have not been easy. I have been virtually at deaths door for a time and to broke to survive or a long while. I lost my job due to downsizing and sadly just after I feel gravely ill. I hardly had money to feed let alone pay the doctor.

My neighbors have been kind; they took me to the hospital where I have been all this while. To weak to speak or write a letter, the doctors feared I was at my last days. I ought to have called or communicated, believe me I wanted to. But my phone line has been retrieved by the phone company and no one comes to see me here. I could barely pay my hospital bill and for some reason when they tried your number they couldn’t get through. You are right; I never should have moved so far from home.

I managed to loan some money off my ex, she was in town for a day and a neighbour told her where to find me. She paid for my bill. When they told me I had a vistor, how I wished it was you my love, or you my dear friend.

Things are a bit better now, I have been discharged so please do not worry about my health. I have my internet service back up. I have no job yet and things are still hard, but I get the odd job to do once in a while and that gets me by.

I go weary of being away from you, so I am saving up enough money for a final return. You are all that matters to me. My friend, take care of my loved one till I return. I miss you both.


Love …

The replies..

The dear friend (a guy)

Dude,

That was some touching letter. You need anything? How do I get over money to you, I have some cash saved up and I still owe you for the bet we made in high school, I bet that must have gathered interest by now.

Do hurry back, your love misses you. You sound rather depressed, gay even.. hahaha. Hope the sickness and heat haven’t altered your sexual preference, remember I am happily married, hahaha.

Can’t wait to see you dude, get in touch so I know how to send over cash to you.

Cheers


The girlfriend

….You were with you ex?

The Bank Tale....Part 2

It’s the darnest thing you’d say, a bank half filled with robbers all of who just met at the time of their withdrawal. But these are the times, a recession is at play plus someone had set word that the security there was joke, and the cops never came, at least not this day. So it would seem a bank filled with robbers all confused on what they should do, till one very brave stood up to explain there was enough money there to go round, after all it was a bank. If each man was patient and if they could all agree, they could divide whatever they got their hands on and leave. They had the bank in their control and couldn’t be over run and in truth this was all just good clean fun. As the bank manager was out, the vault they couldn’t access but the tellers had enough for robbers to make a decent run.

There was none to argue about this crazy idea but they needed to know who was in and how many of them were there. So it was suggested that all the robbers would go to a side and those being robbed would stand on the other, and since they all had guns who would protest? Well as those daring drew to the right and those, shall we say not daring moved to the other, our friend has finally decided what play to make. And as he was about to draw his gun, he felt a hand on his that stopped him from the draw. Right beside him was an elderly man who reminded him of his dad with understanding in his eyes. He whispered few words to our friend, which brought perspective in the way.

‘You don’t want to do that now son’ was all he said with a wink. His head tilted in the direction of the window. And there our friend sees alas it is, as the Calvary has finally arrived. With curses and tears our friend falls to the ground to sit, as this is what the bank robbers ordered. The elderly man beside him is intrigued and engages him in discussion. Our friend spills his woes, whatever they maybe, I doubt you and I care, and I bet right now you see they elder as a hero who’s saved our friend from a life of crime.

The robbers are confused, the cops aren’t meant to be here, that much was quite understood. But there they were clear as day, so now they need a plan or two. Well they decide, they are so many and who is to say who’s the robber or the robbed. So they get the tellers in front of them as they are mostly women and get the rest of the crowd around them. And screaming ‘bomb in the building’ they all rushed out together in much haste.

The cops see the women first and so cannot fire at what becomes a stamped. And so the holster their weapons and prepare for an alternative move. Now inside the bank, our friend had remained, held back by the elderly man. Afraid that they may get hurt if the police being overwhelmed did fire. But to much surprise the thieving plan worked and the robbers all got away. Surprising much more was the fact that the cops didn’t try to get in their way.

It didn’t take long for the cops to storm into the bank. Yellow tape is placed all around the perimeters and constables remain to hold back the crowd. The bank manager stands up, and looks around, suddenly smiling and winking. The cops with holstered weapons smile back at him without confusion and thinking. The old man gets up and suddenly takes charge, he gets a salute from the officer in charge and smartly salutes back. They walk to the vault which the bank manager opens and begin to unload its contents.

Our friend looks on in pure amazement, how could this be? Well explains the elderly man, ‘you’re not the only one feeling the bite of the recession. In line with that I’d like you to meet the officers of the 12th precinct.’ It would seem they formed a plan and let the bank manager in, that they would take the bank and clean its vault and then share the proceeds. Now as they were cops, they needed a way to do this clean and simple, so they spread the word that the bank was flawed and could be robbed quite easily. Now in due course they’d arrive and let the robber go, so what they took from the vault which was the bulk would be blamed on the robber so.

And so it seemed our friend ran into some luck as he was thus included in the deal, and so was anyone who stayed behind as the vault was filled to the till. And as it was, it came to him that he didn’t need a gun to rob the bank, he just need to go there and stand by an elderly man to leave richer than when he began.

The Bank Tale....Part 1?

When backed to the wall, we men do the craziest of things. I once knew a guy who threatened to jump from a two story window just to get out of a tight situation with a woman. But that’s another story at another time; our tale today has nothing to do with a woman, least none that I know of.

Now our friend today has got his reasons, doesn’t matter what they. You decide what would best justify a crime other than pride. The fact is on this day, with AK, he’s decided he must get paid. So to the bank he goes, on the corner of a street called Maine to make a little more than a little withdrawal.

Like in any other bank, there’s a short line at the teller and pulling out your gun at the front door is only asking for trouble. So he joins the queue for what else can he does and patiently waits for his turn to come. And to make it more cliché he has a note for the teller written on a withdrawal slip.

Now it could just be his luck, or maybe it’s the times we’re in but as the queue slowly goes shorter, the man at the counter pulls out a gun and points it at the teller. Now this is a situation, he’s banks getting robbed and our friend quickly has to think of a play, but as he’s there thinking others are doing as a second guy pulls out a gun to make his say.

Now there’s a bit of confusion, these guys aren’t together but they’d be damned if they don’t get paid. So with an unspoken accord and since they have everyone’s attention they decide that half is always better than none. And others seeing that this bird will lay eggs; join in the action of the two. So before our friend could calculate an action the bank was half run with robbers. At the sight of which I must point out that the bank manager, just looked around and without thought but much reason, squirmed and fainted.

Now here it is the oddest thing, standing there to hapless to think. There he is with a gun in his coat, realizing he is not alone in this endeavor. Alas a funny situation has we here, where thieves out number clients in a bank…or isn’t that the way it has always been? Still for one planning to rob the bank as my friend, an odd predicament to more than one end

Guess who this is for......

Please do not take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to wreck any homes abeg....

I just saw her lips, only her lips
And for hours and days I have sat here
Trying to compose an ode, maybe even a sonnet
Anything to declare the beauty in their stare
Yet day after day, hour after hour
I fall short of words, imagination, brilliance to properly describe
The emotions that they stir and strike
I cannot be the only man to have seen this
Or even this endeavor pursued
Her husband must have gone through much more
For her heart to win for sure
And yet even she must know the power in which they are held
Do not misunderstand me; I try not here to woe
A lost battle that would be here to ensue ( believe me I know)
Forgiveness I crave for the boldness I dare
But such African lips deserve such respect
(abeg I no talk say dem no dey receive am ohhh! Na only write up, wa lai e)
To believe such godly sites were responsible for sucking the snut from my nose
Is more than mere wonder to me
(now that’s why I wrote this, they remind me of my mothers, and yes my mother is serenaded daily by poetry too. That’s why I moved out of my father’s house because the rivalry was getting too much, actually he kicked me out)
All hail the African woman, equipped with lips and hips
They wield ever so artfully
And yet humbly enough to use them so lovingly

Blabbing

‘When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade’
I’ve heard this saying so many times
It makes my stomach ache
A simple totem that is used by we
Who strive in life to be ever so self sufficient
Who strive so hard not to depend on anyone so
Thus shielding ourselves from disappointment and hurt
The only person you can depend on is you
Well then why do the other animals run in packs or pairs?
Could it be that they see something I don’t?
I have learnt this much thus far
We choose not our friends; they are determined by our environment
We choose not our families; or the choices we each would have made
We choose not our enemies; if at all we can truly identify who they are
We choose not our jobs; we grab whatever is available
We choose not our religion; we worship what we know, are exposed to and learn
But by some divine glory we are allowed to choose the people we love
And those we share our hearts, selves and problems with
Those we lean on and run to
So who am I to hide my shoulder?
Or to deny myself the comfort of a friend
I wear my faults like a glove
And my passions as a badge
I put my heart up on display
And dare to be judged by what is I am
If you choose it, the choice was yours
But if you break it, it was mine
As it was mine to give, mine to offer
And so I thank you for choosing and for sharing
But I refuse to walk this life alone
When such pleasant company surrounds me
I shall see myself through the eyes of my mother
For what better view in life could there be
And avail myself of all the love that surrounds me
I deny myself nothing I desire and bear the consequences willingly
I will hurt, I will ache and I will be broken
I will be picked up , I will be soothed and I will be put back together
For I have one simple choice, to love or stand alone
I came into this world alone to the greetings of many
But I refuse to walk it alone

Just...Toluwa

For a friend, a dear, an inspiration......

now if only serena had a body like you
and beyonce a face like you
then just maybe i might be into them too
but my dear they still just not you
what's scary is that you got the brains too
so a deadly combination is you
and i know whatever you put your mind to
that's just what you gonna do
so that the world sits back and applauds on cue
at the inspiring actions of you
now guys they want to be with you
and most of them just won't do
so what they do is try to diss you
to make you feel less than you
they pump you up with emotions untrue
to bring you down a notch or two
but i'll be honest with you
there was a godess born in you
and the only thing that was ever wrong with you
is that you just too beautiful
and if that act is all so sinful
there's the biggest sinner lurking in you
and no one can ever rob off you
the shine in you so true
so the only one to come in the way of you
my dear can only be you
and the onlookers can only come off being in awe of you
and when you do the things you do
that brings out the star in you
so the angels come saying 'i know that beau'
i can say 'i know her too'

The Cheat, The Mistress and The Wife

There she stood, just steaming at the corner with a gun in one hand and a knife in the other. Plain as day but in the dead of the night, I’ve been caught pants down with my mistress by my wife. A thousand questions come rushing through my brain, but there’s just one of those questions that been driving me insane. It’s not how she caught me in hotel out of town or how long she must have known this was going down. It’s not why she didn’t lay in ambush at the house, slipping poison in my coffee every morning by the ounce. But how the hell light as day that it had to right here I find out my wife can handle a semi automatic without a blink of fear.

And she’s staring into space with eyes all misty, and I feel the churning of the elements within me. I’m searching for the words to say, to try to explain. I’m not in love with this woman, the sex was the aim. I’ve lied and I’ve cheated, I’ve been real bad. But my heart belonged to her, it always had. It was the sex that drove me to this, the things she wouldn’t do, I love my wife every much but I love sex too. And there were things that I wanted and I just couldn’t ask and here was this lady who was up to the task. I had to lie to get what I wanted but she did it all the same, it was a mutual understanding, we shared no shame. But here it seems my own actions have brought us to this, here stands my wife in front of me with a gun and she’s awfully pissed.

She’s asking why it had to come to this, why was there cheating. She’s screaming the words ‘I loved you’ ‘I would have done anything for you’. I’m softly saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you too’. She’s screams ‘Would you shut up’ and as sure as rain I do. I’m scared of the gun talking and repeating her words, because if they do I won’t be singing with the birds. I’d be lying with the fishes and even though I deserve it, I’d rather tally that event cause the thought of it itches.

She’s repeating her questions they coming ever louder, I’m trying to calm her down but they carrying more power. I’m down on my knees trying to explain, but I’m ever so sure I’m talking in vain. I do love her so, I try to make her see, I’m a man and I erred but that’s just me. We can start again, we can make this work. All we need is time, her forgiveness and we can talk. I’ll make this up to her, everyway that I can. I’ll spend the rest of my life doing it; I’ll find a way to be her man. If only she’d put down the gun and let this pass, I swear right now I’ll do anything she asks.

Suddenly my mistress, who’d all been so silent, breathes the words ‘I’m sorry’ in way that’s all so penitent. I try to hush her down, for fear of making things worse, my wife shuts me up with just half her verse. My mistress continues speaking, and starts to explain, my wife and she are talking and then things become plain. Here I was my ego so blinded, I didn’t see what was right in front of me as I was so hind sighted. My wife wasn’t here pissed that her husband had a mistress, she was here cause her mistress had a mistress and her mistress was her husband.

And I made the mistake only a man can; I let my ego go and raised a fit and a damn. And there my wife solved her problem once and for all, she put several bullets in me as I stood there tall. And I finally found out why she brought the knife, cut me to pieces after she ended my life. So here I lie at the bottom of a river in a third world, a cheat who was cheated on by more than one girl.

Stolen

i start my day the same way I end it
inlove with you
whether near or far
my mind remains fixed on yout
they say you don't take a thing with you
when you leave this crazy world
they wrong about that you know
because i take the memories i made loving you
wherever I go
be it heaven or hell
a state of non existence
or a world far unknown, a parallel universe
as long as i have the lifetime spent loving you
i'll bear what each possibility has to offer
because no suffering or torment
could compare to a day without you
and no joy or pleasure could evenly match
the glory of your smile
so let death usher forth it worst
i'll bear it all
with your name between my lips
and end my life better than i started it
swept away inlove with you.

Suicide Tales...Installment one?

Dear Diary,

Sitting here in this tavern, drinking bottle after bottle I waste away. I'm writing this here drunk as I am as I have no where else to go. Pass the bottle pour it down, turn the frown upside down. If only this could alleviate the darkness. I’m smiling now but how long will the alcohol last?

This was a beautiful day till now. The sun shone so bright this morning and the moon looked so promising on my way home. I got a promotion today and closed a deal I never even hoped I could. Signing bonuses paid in cash. I went round to buy the classiest wine I had ever had. Tonight would be a celebration, a high point of the day.

I had set all plans in play to thank the woman who laid in wait. I would get home and dawn her with this necklace that I’d found and sprinkle on the floor the petals of the roses I had in hand. I could kiss her so lightly then swoop her off the floor. Take her to the living room and wait for the knock on the door.
Dinner would arrive, she couldn't cook tonight, she had to be spoilt and pampered for putting up with this old broken man. I’d feed her with my own two hands. Then carry her off to the bathroom and wash her feet and hair. Then to the bed to massage her aching bones cause she must have had a hard week slaving for you know who. Then back to the bathroom to cleanse her aching soul. Sponge her down and bathe her with bubbles, kisses and hand. Then back to the bedroom to make the sweetest love I could, to pleasure the woman I love tonight was the endeavor I had taken.

But as my car pulled up the driveway, the bedroom lights lay glaring hauntingly. Nothing unusual to alert my senses, why would it? I opened the door and walked right in. Dinner arrived early so I set it down on the table and the candles lit. Snuck upstairs as quiet as I could, I wanted to surprise her but I suspected she already knew I had arrived home.

I know you think you know what lay awaiting me, and I know you know you're right. You’ve heard this tale a 1000 times. If truth be told and to yourself be honest, most people have experienced this before at one time or the other. But diary, my dear diary I know you think you've heard it all, I know you think you know it all, but diary sweet diary, you need to know the reasons for the bottles I’ve been downing. There as you expected was my wife with another man, in the explicit act of illicit sex. Doing things I never would expect, well because they had never been done to me. And in truth that was what sparked my jealousy.

These are things I had wished were done to me, things I had, had to pay other women to do. But that is beside the point. There I stood watching, suddenly become aroused and the thought of joining them did creep into my mind. But then the rage over took me! A jealous uncontrollable rage as would fill any man. She was doing things she had never done to me and so I like every lovers tale involving rage I sought my gun to end this stories page. But as I returned in my gun trotting rage, the vision displayed to my eyes made me freeze to the spot by the door. For right there the sight to greet me was my wife with a bloodied axe and her lover in pieces.

I watched as she chopped him with passion and skill of an x-rated butcher. And like my aroused manhood, my gun too receded. To the darkness of the corner I found myself retreating as she hacked up him pieces and then bagged him. After which to the attic she proceeded. In that room that lay above me every night, I found the God the atheists had denied. For all over the wooden floor that was meant to lay bare, laid bodies of broken men.

My heart raced, my eyes watered, my stomach churned. She placed the bag down and sat right beside it. She liked her fingers and a cigar she lighted. In the bedroom where I found myself seconds later, I watched the bed, sheets soaked in blood and pillows stained. And I released this was where every night I laid and suddenly my legs discovered the power within them.

So here I am in a bar on some desert road, drowning bottles to clear my head. My phones been ringing, you know who it is. She must have seen the dinner I had carefully laid. It’s been a few too many bottles a text comes in. Three words ’I love you’ from the woman I had married.

Diary dear diary, please advice, the next move i should make, as the next bottle arrives